and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize