He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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