Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
is wine microwaveable?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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