I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
