is your mom at the bar?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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