Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
