The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
