dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
