Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I love you. Go after that dick
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
