cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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