he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
