Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize