she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
