5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
