Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
my liver is dry heaving
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
