Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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