i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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