Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
