god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
