you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
