you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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