You really coming over, don't trick.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
