I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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