Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She told me I should be a condom model.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
