508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
