I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
