Even the bartender felt bad for me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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