I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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