my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
