dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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