Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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