I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
