If that was your dad, he is hot
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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