I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
