You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
