Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Are my feet made of real feet?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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