I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
