I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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