You can't special order awesome
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
