My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
That accounts for only three of the penises
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
