Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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