Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize