home. puking in laundry basket.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I need to calm my uterus...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
