after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize