So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
