i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
