i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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