In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Randomize
