I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
