She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
