I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
