Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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