If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
