I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
