I'm jealous of your bromance
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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