My room smells like vodka and shame
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize