I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
