I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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