the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
