i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
