I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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