I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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