he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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