the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I need water and some morals
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
