Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Drunk is not a location!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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